that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
