Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
