I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize