i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
