dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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