Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
