I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
