broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
