i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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