i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
