if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i think my cat just said my name.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
