I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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