if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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