I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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