chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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