My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
