my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
