someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
