Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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