I feel like abortions should bother me more
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
