I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
