I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
