True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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