Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
