I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
