I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
