Im at strip club and am horny
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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