Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
