I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
