I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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