you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
