I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
