Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize