my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
