Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
