Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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