I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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