She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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