: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
