On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
