all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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