i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize