there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
