You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
