I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm like, not good at living.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize