I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
