Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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