i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
