I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize