I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize