I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
