my sisters under your porch take her home
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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