booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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