I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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