He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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