I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
