Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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