WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
