So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need water and some morals
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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