Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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