You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You did what with his pubic hair?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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