My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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