i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
