I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
