peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
