I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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