my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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