I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
