This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
