Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
