i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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