I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize