So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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